I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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