Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
