why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
