i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
