chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
