Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We talked him into tasing himself.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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