I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I believe in your delicious
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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