I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
