we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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