dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
