i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
