she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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