How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
