sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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