Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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