I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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