I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
