Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She made me pour olive oil on her.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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