If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
