Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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