i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
