cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
