No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
