I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
