Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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