now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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