Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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