I will die if light touches me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
