Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
