my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
