my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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