We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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