I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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