i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
