took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
