i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
