Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
