If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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