My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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