Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize