every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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