Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
