I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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