you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
