I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
