this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
