you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
