saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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