The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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