Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
