and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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