DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
