Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
