New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
